Buffy the Laser Pirate
by ThaliaofAvalon
Summary: Buffy has a destiny, all right, but it isn't to kill vampires. Buffy has to use a laser to stop aliens and steal their technology, to help her alien friends survive on Earth! Inspired by my dad.


**Buffy the Laser Pirate**

 **My dad and I were discussing the awesomeness of Buffy, and my dad said he didn't like vampires, but Buffy and her friends were so funny, her show could be 'Buffy the Laser Pirate' and he'd still like it. Lightbulb moment! I definitely don't own Buffy, and this idea was originally my dad's, but I hope you enjoy it!**

Mary was sitting on her purple couch with an alien named Rupert.

"Tell me about your last charge." She asked. "What was she like? What happened to her?" Rupert sighed.

"Do you really want to know?" Mary nodded. "Very well. Buffy was… Obstinate. She had blond hair, she wore a leather jacket, and she had some of the strangest friends…"

For Mary, the room faded away, showing her the memories of a life that wasn't hers. It was no longer Rupert's voice telling the story, or his words. It was a certain blonde that we all remember well…

"Buffy just wanted to be a normal high-schooler. She really did. Unfortunately, that never happens to fun people. Buffy was popular, and had friends who'd go shopping with her anytime. She had a cute boyfriend with a car, and she threw great parties. Notice the past tense. Those things don't happen to Buffy now.

Well, except for the boyfriend… The cuteness of her boyfriend is debatable. Is being human a requirement?"

"Ooh! Is he a vampire?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Mary. There are no such things as vampires. He was an alien."

"Oh, so _vampire_ boyfriends are a ridiculous idea, but alien ones aren't?"

"Can you let me tell the story?" Silence. "Good. So as I was saying…

Ms. Oblivious Summers, Buffy's mom, had moved the two of them to a new town – Normal, Illinois. They hoped for a fresh start there, after the divorce of Buffy's parents. They wanted to be normal. That was the opposite of what they got.

It was Buffy's first day at her new school. It had started out normal enough – her alarm clock went off, she grabbed breakfast, and almost missed her bus. She sat down in the back by some girl who introduced herself as Cordelia."

We all know about the conversation they had on who to make friends with, and how Buffy sat with Willow, an unpopular, at lunch. Then we know how Buffy ran into a strange librarian, who tried to give her a book titled " _Aliens Throughout History_ ". You did know that, right? Oh well. Now you do. Anyhow, Buffy bolted from the library after she got her math textbook, wondering about the sanity of the school's librarian.

""Seriously," she muttered, "how can they let a creep like that work in a school?"

"A creep like who? Mrs. Colubra? Yeah, she does kind of look at us like she wants to eat us. Did you know there's a rumor that this one time, she kept a kid back from class, and he was never seen again? Supposedly, the next day, she burped, and a piece of his hair came out of her mouth. They never convicted her of anything, and they let her have her job back, so I guess she must be safe, but I still make sure I'm always the first one out the door. I'm not taking any chances." Willow was standing outside the school, waiting for Buffy. Buffy smiled.

"Wow. Sounds creepy. I don't have her for Physics. I have Mr. Anders."

The two talked about their teachers the whole way to Buffy's house, and Willow stayed over and helped Buffy with her homework. The next day of school went normally, until lunchtime.

Nobody had really noticed that Robert Smith was missing from school - after all, students were out sick or ditched class every day. It was normal. However, the cook discovered, to her immediate disgust, that Robert Smith was certainly here in body, but not in mind.

She opened the fridge, only to find a headless body coming at her. She ran out of the lunchroom screaming hysterically. The cafeteria went silent. Heads turned toward the half-frozen body lying on top of the chicken nuggets. The entire lunch room erupted into screams, and everyone rushed for the door.

Buffy stayed sitting for a moment, then walked over to the body. _Strange,_ she thought. _It almost looks like his head was squeezed off, not cut off._ But who – or what – could have the strength to decapitate someone by squeezing their neck?"


End file.
